house is listed.

been offered my old job in AK.



hopefully house will sell soon so we can head back to AK by mid nov.

Current Mood: hopeful

I am not who I used to be.  I don't know how to explain it but the change has happened and not for the better. 

Current Mood: indifferent

I am unhappy for so many reasons.  I am in charge of my own destiny.  This is no ones fault but my own.  I have to make an effort to change things, to change my thinking, my reactions. 

change is hard.

Current Mood: sad

I don't fit in here.  This place, these people.  They aren't like me.  I don't know where I fit in exactly, but its not here. 

I feel alone on an island. 

Current Mood: depressed

hub wants no more babies
/cry

moving back to alaska summer of 2010
/celebrate

going to finish up my nursing degree in anchorage
/woohoo

spring is almost here
/sneeze

Current Mood: content

Got it Saturday.  Two forget-me-nots for the twins, a larkspur for Avery, and a poinsetta for Lucy. 
It actually didn't hurt as bad as my other two. 

how sad is it my "alone mommy time" involves needles?

Current Mood: happy

First it was the babyproofing.  I was okay with that because I thought I would eventually go away.  Someday he would stop opening the oven door, listen to me when I say no you can't go upstairs, stay out of the laundry room, drawers, cabinets, etc.  No.  Even if Lucy weren't here I would still have to keep all the babyproofing up because Avery doesn't understand or wont listen.  This week its diapers.  He's stripped his diaper off at naptime before but this week hes done it twice already.  Once after pooping.  Cleaning, laundry, bath.  fun.  Today thankfully (?) it was just pee.  Still cleaning and laundry.  A few hours to late the diaper covers with buckles came in the mail. 

Its just a never ending cycle of trying to keep him out of rooms he shouldn't be in, keep him in rooms he should be in, keep him dressed. 

I can't just go to my bookshelf and pick up a book on toddlers or discipline to get some ideas.  All of them deal with neuro-typical children.  Even if I did happen to find a book that deals with raising autistic children I doubt much would apply to him because autism encompasses such a great range of symptoms. 

I don't know of a book that would help me explain potty training to a 3yo with very limited verbal skills, and an even more limited desire for social interaction.  Lots of books say when your child shows an interest in the potty go with it and expand on that.  I don't think him stripping has anything to do with the potty, I think thats just him stripping because he can.  Other books reccomend taking your child to the potty every 5mins for an entire weekend.  Firstly that seems cruel, second who would be caring for Lucy while I took brother to the potty every five minutes. 

I can barely get Avery to say or sign  please, or "more," for that matter when dealing with favorite foods.  How am I supposed to get him to answer appropriately "do you have to potty?" 

Im so frustrated.  And lost.  I don't know what to do.  I can't reason with him like most parents of 3yo, not even a tiny bit. 

/drowning

Current Mood: melancholy

as of last night Lucy is starting off the night in her own bed.  we dont CIO, i nurse her to sleep and put her in her own bed.  i bring her to our bed when she wakes.

my dad and step mom get in Tues evening.  I haven't seen them for a year and they haven't met Lucy yet.  Im excited, I miss my dad.

Time change sucks. a lot. 

halloween was a fiasco. I knew it would be.  no one listens to me.  I know my son, I know how he reacts to things.

having a hard time finding a cute girly babys first christmas outfit in 12 or 18mo size.  Lucy's birthday is three days after Christmas.  Anyone have any leads?

im tired, 6:30 sucks.  time change sucks.

Current Mood: tired

The other day while in the shower I started thinking.  In the shower with the water running, door closed, exahust fan running, its just enough steam and din to obscure the outside world and leave me alone with my thoughts.  Like Alice and her looking glass I so wanted to step out of the shower into a different reality.  To come downstairs and see Matthew overrun with Lucy, Avery, Anthony, and Grant.  They would be four now.  Instead its been four years since they went to be with the Lord.  I remind myself they were so tiny and so sick but that does nothing to make my heart stop hurting. 

I would give anything for that alternate reality, that looking glass. 

I should be celebrating the day all Grant's pain was taken away but I can't.  I'm selfish and I miss my babies. 

Current Mood: depressed

I could've saved so much money sewing my own babywearing poncho.
Once you add in the gas to drive to the ER, the xrays, the iv antibiotics, the tetaneous shot, the fee to see the doctor, and the antibiotic script I probably shouldv'e just bought a babywearing poncho. 

I did get a couple really cool pics though,  The needle from the sewing machine went clear through the bone!

( pics, graphic. )

Current Mood: annoyed

 
My mom introduced me to Kathrine Hepburn.  I love her movies.  Watching Guess Who's Coming to Dinner  I love this movoes.  I've seen it several times but its one of those movies I can watch over and over. 

I am going to have to find Imitation of Life.  Though I fear having a daughter of my own now I wouldn't be able to get through it without crying. 

Also the 8th would've been my mom's 58th birthday.  I miss her.  Happy birthday mommy.

Current Mood: melancholy

For like the last month I have been this weird domestic goddess.  Laundry done.  Dishes done.  Cooking, baking, trying new recipes.  My house is clean (mostly).  My children are clean and fed.  Its like I am finally getting the hang of it. 

Now if I could just make friends.

Anyone want to come over and sew with me this weekend?  I've decided to make myself a nylon fleece lined baby wearing poncho and a couple fleece soaker/diaper covers for Lucy.  Oh I have very little sewing ability.  I do have grandiose plans though.  Should be a hoot!
 

Current Mood: bouncy

Reasons I need to stay out of ttc and ttc while bf'ing forums:
1.  I have a 9mo.
2.  I have a autistic 3yo
3.  I would like to finish my degree starting next year
4.  I probably won't get pg w/o medical assistance
5.  Money
6.  I hate seeing BFN's even when not ttc
7.
8. 
9. 
10. 

Reasons I probably won't:
1.  I like teeny babies
2.  I enjoy pregnancy, labor, birth
3.  I want at least (at least!) two more children
4. 
5. 
6. 
7. 
8. 
9. 
10. 

Yeas 3, Nays 6. 
Nays have it.





for now.

Current Mood: restless

*sniff*  they grow up so fast....

Avery has been in preschool for just over a week now.  I stayed the entire first day and was quite impressed with the program.  I also got a good look at the school bus set up and that helped ease my fears.  He started riding the bus Friday.  So far so good.  I have noticed his pronounciation is improving some, where two sylable words actually sound like two as opposed to one fast mangled sylable.  I did buy disposable diapers for school for him and that is working out well.  I put him in one in the morning and keep a few in his backpack and they change him there.    Avery has been in cloth since 8mo old and to be honest it took me about 3 different packages of disposables before I figured out what size he needed.  First I got too big then too small. 

Lucy is now 8.5mo old.  She has been on solids for a month now and about a week ago it "clicked" for her.  She is mostly readily opening her mouth now.  I feel sort of bad she does get the ocassional gerber puffs on her tray but other than that all her food is made by me.   I am headed to a sort of local kids consignment sale at the end of the month.  She finally is geting too big for the 6mo clothes.   She's been crawling for awhile now and is starting to pull up on the edge of the couch or toy box.  She even pulled up to standing last night with out help!  My baby will be cruising soon!  Watch out big brother!

Im still in the logistics phase of trying to plan my return to nursing school next year.  Hopefully we can arrange it so hubby can stay home with the kids in the daytime while I am at class and clinicals.  Hopefully.  I am really looking forward to my dad and step-moms visit in November, I miss them and Alaska.  I am trying to convince hubby we should all go back to Alaska to visit in February.  He grumbled something along the lines of "why would I go back in the coldest part of winter?"  Party pooper.

Current Mood: calm

Don't open this if you are easily offended by harsh very opinionated language.

Current Mood: pissed off

www.lolcatbible.com

www.stuffasianpeoplelike.com

www.stuffebplike.com

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

Current Mood: amused

Nine days late af finally showed.  Im ok with it though.  I think I will focus on finishing my nursing degree for awhile.

Current Mood: relieved